Managing conflict by developing a greater understanding of our internal conflict

Dealing with conflict is part of our everyday life but it can be significantly more problematic at work, when we have to also show the requisite leadership skills to manage situations not created by ourselves, on top of those that we are struggling with personally. Of course, there is a huge range of approaches and styles to help us navigate to resolve conflict that is the ‘visible’ variety (e.g. the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument). Meaningful and long-term strategies to resolve conflict however requires a certain level of awareness from us that there is a relationship between our inner and outer world, both places where ‘conflict’ can reside unhappily.

Projecting our inner conflict as a form of self-defence

General human nature has a strong tendency to ascribe our own (internal) disliked attitudes, traits, feelings and thoughts to others when we are in challenging situations. We would most frequently tend to project our powerful, aggressive and combative energies where we feel out of control. When we are hostile towards others, our internal behavioural tendencies can be projected onto the other party, resulting in our belief that it is they who are hostile towards us, when in reality it may not have started that way. However, if we are projecting our own hostility and attributing it to the other person, then this often triggers defensive and hostile reactions in our counterpart, which in turn provokes a cycle of hostility, resulting in an immediate escalation of combative negative emotions. In this way we bring our inner conflict to the outer world, and it becomes a common repeating pattern of our lives. Applying only 'outer conflict management’ strategies will usually just provide temporary respite, perhaps for that one situation, as it really only addresses half of the problem.

The inner conflict dimension

Inner conflict is a psychological consequence of conflict between the different subpersonalities that takes place within a person. These inner issues are created when different parts of our personality ‘fight’ with each other in the internal arena. Usually if this is unregulated and not managed, we can see these attributes taking over control and reducing the choices the person may have to respond to life better. Typically, these would show up in senior leadership as emotions ranging on a scale from, irritation to extreme anger, but it can be manifested also as jealousy, manipulation, micro-management, etc. Some divide the categories of internal conflicts into 8 types but in our view there can be as many internal conflicts as there are opposite pairs or groups of subpersonalities, with their own set of emotions, thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and maturity stages.

An example of an inner conflict for a CEO-type of personality could be when they were forced into an adaptive or subordinate role in the first decade of their life (likely due to a strong dominant parent) and then is confronted with taking ownership and making difficult decisions later in life with these unresolved conflicting emotions still within.

Or, when a senior manager with strong results-oriented characteristics is having difficulties dealing with more people-oriented team members, which are more focused on the team atmosphere than on reaching objectives. Often this conflict is the mirror of the manager's inner conflict between the strong focus on reaching targets and the hidden inner desire of having more rest.

Inner conflict is a life-long battle that can significantly impact the person’s well-being and performance. It can cause a great deal of stress and inner tension as the person in most situations is left on their own to remedy the situation. If this psychological conflict is very strong, it can lead to a devouring downward energy spiral, or ultimately result in despair, isolation, or depression. If as we know, inner conflicts are commonly projected onto others, the person will develop a strong belief that circumstances or other people are the reason for their discontent and failure.

For many leaders it is tempting to suppress and mask their inner tension and psychological pain by ‘self-medicating’ using addictive substances or compulsive behaviours to distract them from the guilt and pain. Indeed, for some people alcohol, smoking, or compulsive exercise can in some measure help to reduce stress on a temporary basis. It is however definitely not a viable sustainable option in treating the causes of unresolved internal conflict. In fact, the ignorance and suppression of the inner conflict will be counterproductive as it allows the underlying dynamics to grow stronger. Sooner or later the inner conflict will surface again escalating the need for greater use of self-administered medication, which eventually could turn harmful and cause personal and reputational damage. Here is a reference to the negative impact of alcohol.

“Since wars begin in the minds of men, it is in the minds of men that the defences of peace must be constructed.”

UNESCO Constitution

Inner conflict as a prime focus

The most successful strategy to help us resolve external conflicts well, requires us to look at our own inner conflicts beforehand. The ultimate conflict resolution strategy is to become aware of our inner conflict, to understand its dynamics and to mediate our own personal internal battles thereby providing us with some mastery over our inner leadership.

For one thing, it is necessary for us to recognise when others are hostile to us, criticise and accuse us, that often they are not really angry with us personally. They project hostility onto us that they have piled up for other reasons and discharge a load of hostility that currently cannot be directed to its real source internally. Therefore, their hostility should not be taken personally.

“Don’t take anything personally.”

Don Miguel Ruiz

Laura Huxley describes this well in the first chapter of her book ‘You Are Not the Target’. She says: “If your husband is complaining, your wife is chasing you, your boss is irritable, your partner is getting difficult, your children are rebellious - then stop! Stop for a moment and you will realize that their irritability, their irrationality, their coldness, in other words their uncomfortable and disturbing behaviour is not really addressed to you. ... In most cases, you are not the target. You just happened to be there.”

"What people think of you is none of your business."

Deepak Chopra

This will not be that easy for all of us, as some of our own tendencies, especially our combative subpersonalities, will be provoked by the hostile energy projected to us. That’s why the first step is to become aware of the inner conflict and gain a deeper understanding of the psychological forces that set the internal battle.

„Anger is the punishment we give ourselves for someone else’s mistake.“

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A great way to give meaning and understanding to our hidden feelings of conflict is to analyse them into their separate parts and make them visible. At Inner Leadership, we use of symbols representing the various individual elements that can help to reveal the hidden dynamics and allow for better understanding of the existing psychological forces and emotions we struggle with.

The potential of inner conflict

Inner conflicts hold great potential for our personal change and growth as it presents an opportunity for us to move forward if only we are willing to face it and deal with it effectively. In general, conflict causes us to examine issues more carefully and challenges us to develop creative responses and solutions. In the same way inner conflicts show us potential for integration, to expand and to develop our inner resources and live a more gracious life.

Nothing can really change unless a conscious awareness of the inner dynamics is brought to the fore and an inner harmony has been created. Activating our inner leadership enables us to sort out and direct the psychological forces in a way that makes it possible to avoid or eliminate conflicts with people in the outer world.

The study and management of conflict is an everyday skill which can make the difference between success and failure, and senior leaders should take note, this is our personal responsibility and not something we can outsource to HR.

Ruiz, D.M., Mills, J., 1952, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, Toltec Wisdom.

L. A.Huxley, L.A., 1984, You are not the target, 1984, Avon books.

Assagioli, R., 1993, Psychosynthesis: A Manual of Principles and Techniques, HarperCollins Publishers.